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Top Ten Worst One Direction Lyrics: in descending order of terribleness

During our countless hours listening to One Direction’s historic canon (utilizing Spotify’s wondrous collection and equally wondrous private-listening feature), Shannon and I have discussed just how badly worded and incomprehensible One Direction’s lyrics can be. So please let me now take what started as a friendly workplace game, and submit it as an official artifact for the Internet.

The worst 1D lines/The best 1D gifs*:

A juxtaposed love story

10. …and if we get together (yeah get together), don’t let the pictures leave your phone. – Live While We’re Young

Not the worst line, no, but one that stands out on account of how generationally specific it is. Lyrics that will speak to people born in a year that starts with “2—.”

9. “Oh, I just wanna show you off to all of my friends/Making them drool down their chinny-chin-chins.” – Kiss You

No thanks.

8. “The one that I came with/She had to go/But you look amazing/Standing alone.” – C’mon C’mon

The bright side of this totally insensitive premise: They certainly know how to look on the bright side.

7. “Hands are silent/Voice is numb/Try to scream out my lungs/It makes this harder.” – Moments

When we hit this line, Shannon wonders both what they are trying to say and if it is about penises.

6. “Cause I can’t compete with your boyfriend/He’s got 27 tattoos.” – I Would

This is opposite of the lyrical magic of Harry Styes’s hair.

5. “And I will steal us a car/And we will drive to the stars/I will give you the moon/It’s the least I can do.” – Stand up

How? How is that the “least you can do”? It makes no sense. Unless what you mean is, “Where we’re going we don’t need roads.” Then just say that. It makes about as much sense as the people drawing cat faces on 1D’s regular faces.

4. “I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth…And I’ve just let these little things slip out of my mouth.” – Little Things

WHOOPS. Thanks for telling the whole world about how I have to squeeze into my jeans. Also from Little Things: “You’ll never treat yourself right, darling, but I want you to.” Sure, that sounds good.

3. “Every minute’s like a lasso.” – Everything About You

What does this even mean? No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to “lasso” any meaning out of this.

2. “If I’m louder/Would you see me?” – More Than This

No. That makes no sense.

1. “And girl, what a mess I made upon your innocence.” – Gotta Be You

Gross.

In summation: At least they always seem to be having fun.

*All One Direction gifs are the best. I in no way narrowed these down by quality. That would be impossible.

 

How I would make Joseph Gordon-Levitt want to marry me: A three-part plan wherein I likely am a dancer

Mr. HannaBird

I’ve been doing a lot of really important thinking lately. Like really super important. About how, given the opportunity, I’d convince Joseph Gordon-Levitt to marry me. Wait, hear me out. I think this is really good stuff.

First we’d have to meet. I’m not sure how that would happen, but I’m sure it’d have to be somewhere laid back. Like, maybe I’m Ryan Gosling’s dog walker. And I run into JGL while out for a stroll with George around the neighborhood. (Obviously the built-in backup plan in that scenario is that Ryan Gosling loves me instead, or we at least split a pizza.) Of course, I’m gonna need a little Marissa Cooper magic for this to work. JGL should know he wants to love me as soon as he sees me. How did she do that? I should probably be drunk and spoiled. Unfortch, JGL has a pretty no-nonsense reputation, so I don’t think that will work.  I’m probably going to need to be a dancer, or have some sort of artistic talent that makes me more appealing. I’m hoping I’m the grown-up version of Lennon from Lennon and Maisy (in fewer words, I might need to be Zooey Deschanel).

Whoever I am, we decide to go on a date. Here’s the part I used my brain on: We’re gonna go to a White Sox game. My reasons are threefold:

1. Chicago still doesn’t expect to see celebrities, so we’ll probably get away with it. And it’s more likely he’ll be recognized by the (500) Days of Summer crowd up at Wrigley.

2. We can drink Oberon.

3. Based on My Best Friend’s Wedding, there’s romance to be had at ol’ Comiskey.

So, now here we are at the game. Me and JGL (of course with my singing prowess I’ve just NAILED the national anthem—almost blowing our “two normal people on a date” cover when everyone looks around to find the talent). Imagine us: drinking beer, eating hot dogs, having a good time at a ball game. This is where I seal the deal: It’s getting on in the game, Sox are down, Cal Ripken Junior (out of retirement and now playing for the South Side), is up to bat. He’s had a rough game (no doubt because he is way too old to be back on the field), but my heart is with him as always. The crowd is kind of heckling him. JGL doesn’t like it. Can’t have that. So I stand up. JGL looks at me, confused. I raise my arms out to the side, stretch out my neck, and get a real serious look on my face. JGL shakes his head no. Oh yes, Joe. I’m doing this, my eyes tell him. And I begin to flap my arms like the wings of an angel.

Cal needs an angel tonight, JGL.

Yeah. I’m asking for those Angels in that outfield to come home and help Cal out. JGL pretends to be embarrassed—but don’t you think really he likes it?  He’ll get up to make me stop, pin my dancer’s arms down and—voila!—we’ll be laughing, teasing, IN LOVE. We’re probably picked up by the kiss cam. Not that we’ll notice.

Tell me he doesn’t think Internet singing sensation me is delightful. I don’t believe you. I think this would work. Watch out, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, a combination part-time celebrity dog-walker, tipsy teenage drama llama, double-threat entertainment prodigy is coming for you. And she has a plan.

DIY Birdcage Headband Veil – A ThreeBirdsBlog bridal how-to

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I’m getting married in September and I’ve got a total budget that the media would have me believe is what I should be spending on my dress alone. Like most ladies, I am consumed with ideas, pinning madly, and shocked by some price tags. Naturally, I’ve got a couple of DIY projects on the horizon to keep my hands busy and my wallet full.

First up: the veil.

I fell for this J. Crew birdcage/bow combo but just couldn’t justify the $295 they were asking for it. That’s almost double what I paid for my dress. A headband, some ribbon, and some netting for $300? Not happening. Even similar models on Etsy will run you $30 to $50. So I busted out my glue gun and made my own version of this veil for $6. (Technically, I spent around $8 on materials to make two veils, in case I messed the first one up. Pro tip courtesy of Shannon.)

Math geniuses have already noted, I saved $290—probably more counting taxes! Here’s how I did it:

What you’ll need:

  • A head band. I found this headband at Forever 21 already topped with an off-center satin bow. I was planning to use gift-wrap ribbon from Michael’s for the bow, but took this shortcut that came in at a whopping $1.50. I splurged in the name of safety and bought two.
  • Netting. A quick stop at Jo-Ann Fabric, and I had acquired the second piece of the puzzle: a yard of wide-diamond French netting for $3.99.
  • A glue gun. Then I borrowed a glue gun from my sister. (Most mini-glue guns are under ten bucks, so don’t let this step deter you.)
  • Scissors. You’ll also need a pair of scissors to size and shape the netting.

Start by measuring the netting. I wove one end of the netting onto the headband, then put it on and pinched the fabric at the other ear where I wanted to cut. I ended up at 15 inches. (I have a small head.)


Next, cut off the top corners of the netting, following the lines of the diamonds, into a polygon. And you thought you’d never have a practical use for geometry!

Now plug in your glue gun, and set up a workspace that can accommodate drips. Oh, you’re not a sloppy messy baby? Nevermind.

Following the diagram, glue according to these steps:

  1. Glue one end of the long, finished-edge side of the netting (point 1) to the inside of the headband at point A.
  2. Glue point 2 to point B.
  3. There should be more fabric than can lay flat along the inside of the headband. Start by gluing the netting below point B towards point A, allowing it to lay flat, as you get within a half inch of point A, make your glue points closer together to allow for fabric scrunching.
  4. Do the same thing on the other side, starting by gluing your two base points, 6 to E, and 7 to F.
  5. Glue along the inside of the headband from point E to F the same way, flat near E and then scrunched and tighter near F.
  6. Next, glue the shorter, flat, finished netting (side 4) to the inside of the top of the headband.
  7. The slanted, cut sides (3 and 5) are the hardest part, but where the birdcage gets its shape. To carefully fold side 3 under the headband, let it connect where the fabric is glued at point B to where the fabric from side 4 ends. Then, using what I can only describe as a “squash fold,” push the bubble created flat along the inside of the headband. GLUE IT GOOD.
  8. Use the same flattened bubble squash technique on the last headband section for cut side 5.
  9. This might be the most important step: let the glue cool completely. Please don’t put the headband on before the glue is cool in your excitement, because you will glue it to your head and rip out some of your hair to get it off. No, I don’t know this from experience. I’m just guessing.
  10. Clean up the ends by trimming the fabric where it sticks out past the headband.

And celebrate! You just saved $290! Let’s all book couples’ massages for our honeymoons!

Reading list – What I read about when I read about food

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In middle school I wrote a book report on the 33rd installment of the Boxcar Children books, “The Pizza Mystery.” Gertrude Chandler Warner’s 1993 thriller may have been meant to answer the question, “Who is trying to put Piccolos’ Pizzeria out of business?” but my report focused on how reading the novel made me crave pizza. Without delving into the linguistic realism that sparked my craving, I realized for the first time the very strong connection forged when a book speaks well about our most primal instinct: eating.

And so, I present some of my favorite books about food. It may seem as though this list is quite biased towards the local/seasonal trend, but like mindful eating, good reads are a part of whole living.

1. Cod: A Biography of the Fish that Changed the World by Mark Kurlansky

This book was summer reading for me as a freshman in high school and I can uncategorically say I couldn’t put it down. I couldn’t wait to start discussing it in class—I could even quote from this book as a teenager. (Yeah, you are right, I was really cool.) Kurlansky works economy, history, and politics into a riveting fish tale—and I don’t know how he does it because, as seen in his other book, Salt, those things are boring. Cod is learning perfection.

2. My Life in France by Julia Child

Julia Child needs no introduction or explanation—just know that this book is as warm and approachable and infectious as she was. And it will make you want to buy kitchen accessories.

3. French Women for All Seasons: A Year of Secrets, Recipes, and Pleasure by Mireille Guiliano

This is not a diet book (although its predecessor French Women Don’t Get Fat is on the border). French Women for all Seasons is a lifestyle book. And I like the lifestyle it describes. Guiliano wants us to enjoy each season, to help our bodies become in tune with nature’s cycles. I don’t want to spend the winter pining for summer—I want to value each season’s offerings on their own merits. Giuliano gets that, and provides recipes and stories for each season—although, she adds in some strange scarf folding recommendations, and often takes on a superior tone. We must forgive her: she works for Clicquot. And she’s French.

4. The Sweet Life in Paris: Delicious Adventures in the World’s Most Glorious ­– and Perplexing – City by David Lebovitz

To round out my “I like food—the French like food!” collection, Lebovitz provides a witty perspective on the culture of Paris through food. A genuinely funny book, Lebovitz is able to inspire Francophilia with sarcasm and humility—a stark difference if you’ve just come down from Guiliano’s high horse.

5.  The Marzipan Pig by Russell Hoban and Quentin Blake

I love this quintessentially British story that starts with a forgotten marzipan pig who learns of the sadness of life before being devoured by a mouse. Sure, this list could have included a more recent piece of classic Brit literary food culture, Toast by Nigel Slater, however, while well written and intriguing, it had too many references to the old lotus flower in the bath for my taste. This children’s book, which I discovered in adulthood, is perfectly sweet and wholesome, albeit not without the hard truths of love and loss.

6.  Eating for Beginners: An Education in the Pleasures of Food from Chefs, Farmers, and One Picky Kid by Melanie Rehak

Part research journalism, part parenting memoir, Rehak explores the issues of eating locally as she raises her first child, starts working in a restaurant, and visits farms, boats, and delivery trucks around New York. She deals with “picky eating” as both a mother introducing new foods to her child, and as a consumer striving to get the best produce available in her area. A lot of images from this book speak to me—Rehak’s panic in the grocery store is an event which I have experienced firsthand, and I was delighted by her depiction of an early morning routine of scattering cheerios about the kitchen to keep the baby busy as she lay half asleep on the floor. It’s not only an informative look at local food producers in the agribusiness system, but a great read about her personal journey.

7 and 8.  Home Cooking: A Writer in the Kitchen and More Home Cooking: A Writer Returns to the Kitchen by Laurie Colwin

I like to call Laurie’s books “bedside staples” because they truly belong arm’s reach from your coziest reading station. I couldn’t recommend these two books more. These irreplaceable collections of Laurie’s food-related essays are wonderfully written, heartwarming, and relatable. Of all the authors on this list, it’s Laurie who I’d like to have me over for dinner. 9.  A Homemade Life: Stories and Recipes from My Kitchen Table by Molly Wizenberg

If you are a fan of the Spilled Milk podcast, this book should be next in your reading queue. Wizenberg is fun and genuine, and knows how to talk about food. While her co-host Matthew Amster-Burton’s own book, Hungry Monkey: A Food-Loving Father’s Quest to Raise an Adventurous Eater, was a delightful read, Wizenberg’s offering has a broader reach and I think a richer tone that reminds me of my beloved Laurie Colwin.

10. Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual by Michael Pollan

If Cod touched on the problems of our current over-produced food system, Michael Pollan licked its face. Food Rules is a more practical book from Pollan, that doesn’t leave the reader feeling scared or helpless, but gives us a plan. The rules can seem a little over the top at times, especially for fast food natives, however, they really should be commonly practiced. Let this empower us all to make better eating decisions.

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